Buy wisely

I've had a headache for about two weeks, so before I lose it completely and drive all the way down to paranoiasville I went to the supermarket and raided the healthcare aisle. Quick tip - look at the brand of tablet you want, find out the active ingredient and look for something with the same active ingredient that's the supermarket's own brand. The tablets I bought were half the price of the branded stuff and twice the volume.

Then when I went to the checkout I got asked for ID because I was buying ibuprofen - I didn't have any ID with me as I wasn't expecting to be there (or to be asked for ID for a product you need to be 16 to buy!). I had to explain that I'm in fact 26 and that if she wanted to she could check with the manager because I used to work there and people knew me. She just put the items straight through the till after hearing that.

So a bit of an eventful shopping trip! Take aways are: buy wisely by not paying too much for something that has a much cheaper alternative in a different packaging; be nice and reasonable to get what you need; and take it as a compliment when someone thinks you look younger than you are.

Rebirth

Another poem today, because why not? Bit of a Buddhist slant on this one, but really just talking about the complexities of, well, all of us.

Rebirth

My mind is not like the earth,

There is no day and night.

All thoughts run into each other,

There is no dark and light.

My brain does not have seasons,

It’s so much more complex.

Every moment I am reborn,

Every thought is a reflex.

Same sex marriage legal in England & Wales

Okay, so this has been coming for a while since the law first came about last year, but today the first gay marriages took place in England and Wales. Score!

I'm a strong advocate for gay marriage - I think it's really important that everyone has the same rights, and any law stating that two people can't marry just because some people with no involvement at all find it a bit icky, is just ridiculous. But my opinion out of the way, isn't it important for everyone that we all have the freedom to do what we want? Because if we have freedom, we are happier than if we don't, and it's important for everyone that we're all happy.

Why? Because if everything is interconnected and we're all empty and our ways and experiences are influenced by everything around us, then it stands to reason that if other people are happier, we will also be happier. And if other people's freedom and rights make them happier, it'll have an impact on everyone. And that's why we should all advocate for each other's happiness, freedom and peace.

Do nothing

When you're doing nothing, don't think about all the things you will need to do later. Just do nothing.

Emptiness

Yesterday we talked about interconnectedness in Buddhism, and how everything is dependant on other things - not one object or person can exist on its own. Which leads us nicely onto the Buddhist concept of emptiness.

Emptiness is based on this idea of interconnectedness - if nothing can exist without relying on other things, e.g. a good meal can't exist without crockery, shops, their workers, vegetable farmers, cutlery, the person who made it, and so on - then that means that people and objects are "empty". I know the expression empty doesn't sound particularly joyful, but it really is.

It doesn't mean that there's just nothing there at all. Take a chair as an example, and picture this in your mind - it wouldn't be a chair without its wooden legs. It also wouldn't be a chair (or at least, not a really nice, comfortable one) without its cushion. Take away the wood, the fabric, the cushion stuffing, and what's left? Where is the chair now? It doesn't exist on its own.

Emptiness also means that things, quite simply, *are*, and anything we feel towards them is something we have projected onto them ourselves. For example, a teddy is just a teddy, until we think about where we got it from - who gave it to us, under what circumstances, how long we've had it for, and so on. This creates feelings we have for the teddy. Take those away, and it's just a stuffed bear. Emptiness is the absence of attachment, the acceptance of impermanence, and therefore, a very good thing to recognise.

Interconnectedness

Let's take a look at another teaching from Buddhism - interconnectedness. This is the concept of everything being connected and relying on something else for it to be, well, what it is. Let's look at an example.

You're going to the cinema with your friends. Many people go to the cinema as a social activity with others, so the mere fact that your friends are there makes it more enjoyable. But you wouldn't be going to see the movie if the actors, director, script writers, producers and so on hadn't made the movie.

You'd also have a pretty difficult time going to the cinema without the guys and gals who serve you popcorn and sell the tickets. And you don't want to stand up for two hours, do you? So what about the chairs in the cinema, and the people who made them, and the people who made the fabric for the chairs? For that matter, what about the cinema itself, and its bricklayers and architects? How did you get to the cinema? Did you drive yourself? What about the car and what it's made from, the people who put it together, the people who designed it?

I could go on and on about just this one scenario, but you get the picture. What this means for us is that nothing can exist on its own, without relying on anything else. Everything that you are has been influenced by something or someone else. So why should that make us happy? Well, once we realise that everything is connected, we can be more grateful for everything and everyone, and also be more accepting of things changing and being more fluid than we sometimes think, and this can help us let go of attachments.

Interconnectedness is also related to the Buddhist term "emptiness". More on this tomorrow.

A big bowl of happiness

The next time you're bored or fed up, get a bowl you don't really use, or a small cardboard box, or a cup, or whatever works, and some small bits of paper or post-it notes. Now, you can do one of two things (or use two bowls and do both).

Option 1:
Write something that you enjoy doing on each piece of paper - watching your favourite show, calling your friend for a chat, eating your favourite food, going for a walk, etc. Fold up the bits of paper so you can't see what you've written. Whenever you have some free time and aren't sure how to fill it, pick something out of the bowl for some ideas you might not have thought of yet.

Option 2:
Write something that makes you happy on each piece of paper. This might be a certain activity, a certain person, a picture, a place, and so on. Whenever you feel a bit down, pick out a piece of paper and think about what's written on there. Do it if you can, or just think about the person/place/thing, how happy it/they make you feel, and how grateful you are to have them.

If you're feeling creative and crafty, you could even decorate your happiness bowl. Give it pride of place on a shelf or window ledge where you won't forget it's there, and keep adding to it for some daily happiness inspiration.

Quick tip for a happier Facebook

Sometimes my Facebook friends post things I don't want to see, and I get tired of it. They're pictures or stories I don't want to see or hear about, and am a bit sceptical about whether they're true or not anyway. If they were posted by my close friends I'd just try to ignore them, but since they're posted by people I don't talk to, I go one step further and unfollow the person. Just go to a person's profile and untick the box that says following, or click on the arrow on the right hand side of one of their posts, and unfollow from there. That way, you're still friends with the person, they won't know you've hidden their posts from your timeline, and you can reinstate them at any time if you change your mind or they stop posting whatever it is you don't like to see (e.g. those distressing pictures of sick babies etc. that sometimes do the rounds. My idea of a happy Facebook doesn't involve this kind of thing!).

Don't underestimate the power of the internet

I have just had a search online for support groups in my area for a genetic condition I have called Lynch syndrome. I'm not going to go into exactly what that is because this is supposed to be a happy blog, so I'd prefer to stay away from such topics, although trying to handle that is kind of a big part of my whole attempting-to-be-happy thing.

Anyway, I couldn't find any local support groups. In fact, I couldn't find any support groups that physically meet up and talk about Lynch syndrome, anywhere in the UK. Maybe there is some, but Google yielded nothing I could see.

It did, however, bring up a few online support groups - forums, Facebook groups, and so on. Something I tend to dislike is when things that happen offline are called "real life", as if what happens online doesn't really happen at all, or is acted out in some dream or fantasy land. The internet and the people we meet there are just as important and just as vital as the things and people we can physically see or touch, and the support, entertainment and friendship we get from them should be appreciated.

Everything will be fine... or at least, not too bad

Ever notice that most of the things you worry about don't end up being as bad as you expect them to be?

When I was a teenager I remember being worried about a presentation I had to do at school. When I spoke to my dad about it, he said not to worry, that most of those things aren't half as bad as you think they're going to be, and half the time they end up not happening anyway.

When he said that, I thought back to a play my friends and I were meant to be doing in Music class. I didn't want to perform to the whole class! Luckily, the teacher had postponed it from the day we were supposed to do it, and she said we would do it the week after. What she didn't realise was that the following week we weren't going to be in school, due to a bank holiday, teacher training day, or something similar. Naturally, I kept my mouth shut about that minor detail, and because it was the end of the school year, we never had to do the play. So when my dad mentioned how these things aren't that bad, I remembered the play that wasn't, and felt more optimistic.

I can't remember if I ended up having to give that particular presentation, which I suppose is another lesson in itself - even the things we don't like don't last forever and end up getting forgotten about. I can't even remember what class the presentation was going to be for.

Don't lament getting older

If we are to accept things the way they are, we shouldn't be worrying about getting older, because if there's one thing we can't change it's the passage of time.

I think we really are as old as we feel, and I still feel like a teenager. I think when we're younger we expect being an adult to be different, maybe for us to have dramatically changed somehow. But I still feel like an overgrown kid playing house and trying to fit in with the adults at work or out and about. It's as if when we were kids we expected to have gained some immense wisdom by the time we're in our twenties, but the truth is none of us have done this whole "life" thing before, and we're all just muddling through. The older we get the more experience we have, and the more so-called wisdom we can pass on to a younger generation.

But really, we're probably all just overgrown kids, and I say the more childlike we feel, the better - as long as we continue to learn from life! So in this way, we can be older and younger at the same time. That's pretty neat if you can manage it.

Raising awareness - not just a Facebook fad

There's a thing going around Facebook at the moment where girls post selfies with no make-up on, in order to raise awareness for breast cancer (what exactly the link is supposed to be between not wearing make-up and breast cancer, I'm not quite sure - if anything we should be posting pictures of our boobs? ...Perhaps not.) Some guys are posting pictures of themselves wearing make-up, and some people are posting pictures of their scars, asking people to donate, or telling people how to check themselves. Good stuff, I reckon.

It's so important to be in touch with our bodies. We may not always like them but they're the only ones we've got. So we should embrace them, look after them, and hopefully they'll serve us well. And as well as being aware of our bodies, we should be aware of our minds, and raise awareness within ourselves. Namaste.

How much do we need?

I was idly wondering earlier if I would be able to live off a part time salary. I didn't think particularly deeply about it - it was a fleeting thought, but it gave way to another thought - how much do we need?

I mean, if we have enough money for a home, food, a car if we don't live close enough to walk where we need to go - do we need any money after that? Do we need all the stuff we buy ourselves? If we see something we like in the shop but we don't buy it for ourselves, is our life really affected by that, or have we forgotten about it by the next day? How much do our possessions really matter, and how much "stuff" do we need to be happy? So many questions to ask ourselves!

Adventure

Something different from me for today, in the spirit of being more carefree, worrying less about the little things, and taking on a child-like attitude once in a while.

Adventure

We would hitch our skirts up to our knees
and our heavy boots splashed in puddles
so briefly as we stampeded home.
And as we pulled our knee-high boots off,
uncurling our toes and spreading them by the fire,
I wish we had gathered small muddy droplets
up the length of our ivory shins -
I wish we could care less
and get a little more grubby in the name of adventure.

By Samantha Rose

Written on Sunday 13th January, 2013 at 22:01

Great expectations

Sometimes we're wrong about the things that make us happy. Take shopping, for example. You go to a shop looking for a gorgeous dress to wear to *insert occasion here*. (Or a shirt if you're a guy.) You find the perfect dress - great colour, looks gorgeous. But they don't have any in your size. You try the next size up or down, but it's too big/too small. Big disappointment.

At the time, we think the world of this dress. We think this beautiful dress is the answer to all of our self-confidence worries. In this dress, we will look amazing, we will feel amazing, and everyone will agree that we're just plain awesome.

But then the occasion will be over, we'll have to go to work the next morning, and the dress will go back in the wardrobe. The dress won't make the commute to work any less stressful, it won't make Monday go any quicker, and it won't bring the weekend any faster. It's not a miracle worker! In fact, in a few months you'll be stood in front of your wardrobe looking for something to wear, and you'll find that dress again. But it won't look as new and shiny as it did before. You'll take it out of the wardrobe, hold it up against you, say "hmm, nah..." and put it back. Then you'll go looking for the next gorgeous miracle-working dress. You won't even feel like the dress is quite as fit for what you wanted it for in the first place, never mind all the hopes you had pinned on it about looking and feeling amazing forever. Because even if it did make you feel good for one night, it wouldn't make you feel that way all the time. Only you can do that. This is just another example of the impermanence of, well, everything, and how when everything is changing around us, it's so important to be able to rely on our own minds to bring us happiness.

Be pro-active

Sometimes we feel unhappy for a while without really addressing our problems or even knowing why. I like to take a practical approach, through writing. If you're happy to write, try making a list of things that you think would make you happy. It might not be a very long list, which is great! But what you think would make you happier might be something big, like a new job. Once you've identified what you want and written it down, you can take steps to getting it, by breaking it down into actions to take and goals to meet. If we feel like we're in control and are actively trying to make a change, that can make all the difference.

In this way, we can also see if the things we think we want will really make us happy. Sometimes we pin all our hopes on something that just won't deliver. More on that tomorrow!

There is always a choice

I believe that no matter what situation we find ourselves in, no matter what difficult predicament, we always have a choice of what we do.

Even if the choice is to either do something anyone would do without hesitation, there is always the option of doing something unthinkable, detrimental to our best interests, or even dangerous. We always have the option to make that decision.

The next time you feel powerless, think about all the things that you could do but would never consider, like running away, for example. Take comfort in knowing you do make some choices, no matter how small or seemingly obvious.

Yoda agrees with this blog

Here's another quick take on the whole be-nice-to-people-and-you'll-be-happy thing. Can you get a more reliable source than the great Master Yoda himself?

“Fear is the path to the dark side. Fear leads to anger. Anger leads to hate. Hate leads to suffering.”

See? Hate leads to suffering. Also, fear and anger are pretty bad, too. If Yoda says it, it must be true.

Stop adding amendments to positive thoughts

Sometimes I worry about my health, because things have gone pretty wrong in the past, and I'm scared of them going wrong again. But I seem to do this thing that probably isn't very good - when I think or hear a positive thought about it, I add a caveat on the end that makes it more negative. Not because I want to, but because I'm afraid of being wrong.

So when my partner reassures me by saying "But you're okay now, everything is fine!" my brain adds something on the end of his sentence - "at the moment", "for now", or even scarier, "as far as we know".

We've looked before at how we have control over our own happiness, and this starts with the way think. When you think of a positive thought or someone says something positive, don't add anything to it that diminishes the positivity or hope it conveys. Just let the thought stand and be what it is.

Don't make room for negative thinking

I'm a little late writing my blog post tonight because I needed to find a good picture of myself for something, so I was looking for one on my computer. I couldn't find much appropriate (pictures of me with clown make-up on aren't considered very professional, right?) so I had a look on Facebook at the pictures I've been tagged in.

Cue a good long while of flipping though pictures from four or more years ago, a bit of wistfulness, and much repetition of the question "what the hell happened to us all?"

I know we're meant to be mindful and not dwell on the past, but I can't help thinking what if the best time of our lives has already been and gone? What if being a late teen/early twenties girl was the best it was ever going to get and nothing will feel as happy, as good and as carefree?

Which I know is silly - of course there will be other amazing times. And I know we're not supposed to dwell on the past, but there's something nice about reminiscing. I think it's just a case of being mindful of your thoughts and not providing space in your head for the negative ones. Maybe if your brain is so full of positive thoughts, there won't be room for anything else.

Accept and enjoy things as they are

On Friday I was sitting at my desk at work and it was a really nice day. The office was warm so the window was open and a light breeze was blowing through the room, the sun casting its rays across the row of tables. Add to that the birds tweeting outside and you have a really lovely afternoon.

In this scenario, a person could wish they were at home and able to enjoy doing whatever they wanted in the sunshine instead of having to work.

That's not how to be happy.

Enjoying the sunshine, the warmth and the birds simply makes a working day better. Having something nice shouldn't make you unhappy because you can't enjoy it quite to its maximum, especially when there will be other times when you can enjoy it! It should make you happy to have it at all.

This is just one example of being happy with what you have, rather than wishing for more or for things to be different. So stop saying "if only", and be more accepting of the way things are. You'll find more reasons to be happy than ever before.

Praise yourself for small achievements

I hate mornings. Every weekday morning I groan and grumble before rolling out of bed. The other day my partner said, as he often does in jest, "Yay, it's morning!" So I asked what was so great about it, and he replied: "You survived through another night!" I couldn't really argue with that!

I'm not sure if surviving another night is really an achievement I can take credit for, but it kind of works as an example for today's blog post, which is about praising yourself for your small achievements.

When we have a lot to do, we're having a stressful time or there just isn't very much going on, we can always give ourselves a pat on the back for something. It might be doing something small successfully, or something you do every day - sometimes just getting out of bed in the morning can be an achievement.

So take things a step at a time, and give yourself a pat on the back when you need to. It's all part of looking after yourself.

Take off your costumes

Thursday was World Book Day. Teachers and students alike went to school dressed up as their favourite fictional characters (or just anyone from a book it's easy to dress up as!). Which makes me think of the costumes we wear every day - the metaphorical ones, I mean.

We wear costumes for work, when meeting new people, when we're in new situations... the list is endless. Why can't we be the same person in every situation without being afraid of rejection or not fitting in? When we try to be the people we aren't, we make things more complicated than they need to be.

So tomorrow, don't wear a costume. Go out of the house completely naked instead.

(Not literally, of course.)

Give up complaining for Lent

Lent started on Wednesday, and if you're not sure what Lent is, it's the 40 days before Easter when Christians give something up to commemorate when Jesus spent 40 days and nights fasting in the desert while being tempted by the devil.

The immediate reaction sometimes is to give up food you like such as chocolate or fast food, or alcohol, or some kind of activity. But why not give up something more meaningful this time? Some people give up negativity and dishonesty, which is a great idea. Why not try giving up complaining for 40 days? Or something similarly negative like arguing, or even negative thoughts - push them aside and replace them with positive ones, rather than indulging in and expressing them.

I know it's a bit late to start now, but do we really need a specific date in the calendar to prompt us to make a change? If you're really good at giving up the bad stuff, you might even be able to continue it past 17th April. Good luck!

It doesn't matter what anyone else thinks

The next time you find yourself worrying about what other people think of you, whether it's your appearance, your decisions, or anything else, just ask yourself this:

Why does it matter? Really try to think deeply about it.

You may well find it doesn't seem to matter at all, and that can be liberating.

What impact does another person's opinion of you have on you - especially if they don't express it and you're just guessing what they think? Don't let it take hold.

This is just another way of questioning your thoughts. You don't have to accept your worries as they are. Challenge them. How else are you going to make a change for the better?

Staying young

"It's never too late to have a happy childhood."
  -Berke Breathed

Dance in the rain.
Sing in the shower.
Eat eggs with soldiers.
Watch kids' cartoons with your younger relatives and like it.

And just stop caring for a little while.

Love your fear

A while ago I posted in a Buddhism group on Facebook asking how people deal with physical pain. A member of the group responded to my question saying that they look after their pain like a baby (I paraphrase because I can no longer find the original post). I saw a similar post yesterday saying that people should look after their fear, comfort it and take care of it.

I have never thought of this before. I always seem to think of any physical pain or fearful thoughts as something evil, something that is an enemy, something to hate. I've never thought of it as something that needs to be nurtured or taken care of. But it isn't an alien being, is it? It's a part of us, and any part of ourselves should be treated with kindness, not with contempt. If we can take a different attitude to our fears and our pain, maybe we will cultivate more compassion for ourselves, and suffer less.

The path to ending suffering

As promised yesterday, here's a quick look at the Eightfold Path. Buddha taught people of the Eightfold Path, which is a set of guidelines to follow in order to end suffering and be happy. Let's take a look at each of the eight points, and what they mean.

1. Right understanding - This refers to understanding the four noble truths - that there is suffering in the world caused by attachment, and we can end suffering by removing attachments.
2. Right thought - Having good will and intentions towards others
3. Right speech - Avoiding lying, gossiping or saying hurtful things to others.
4. Right conduct - No violence, stealing or sexual misconduct (e.g. rape or being unfaithful).
5. Right livelihood - Not having a job which may harm others.
6. Right effort - Avoiding negative thoughts such as anger or jealousy.
7. Right mindfulness - Being mindful of your emotional and physical wellbeing.
8. Right concentration - Using meditation to clear the mind and reach enlightenment.

By applying these to our everyday lives we can cultivate happiness. We might think that things like right speech and right conduct are things which benefit others, but aren't we just plain happier when we're saying positive things instead of negative things, or being hurtful or deceitful? If we surround ourselves with happy people we'll be happier too, and that's not going to happen if we don't try to make other people happy. Namaste.

Why attachment is bad

I've spoken once or twice about attachment in previous blogs, so here's a quick overview of what attachment is is Buddhist terms, and why you might want to do away with it.

When I speak of attachment in this case, I'm talking about feeling attached to ideas and objects or circumstances that aren't permanent. And guess what? Everything is impermanent.

Here are a couple of examples of attachment:

Attachment to possessions
Attachment to the way your life is/job is/relationship is

Because nothing ever stays the same - things break, people change, plans get cancelled, and so on - if we are attached to things, it makes us unhappy when we lose them. So if we recognise that the things we have won't be around forever, we'll be less distressed when our car is totalled, we can't find the dress we really want in our size, or we don't get to see our friends when we want to.

And that doesn't mean that we shouldn't ever want anything, or love someone, or that we should expect the worst to happen and be pessimistic. It just means that we should be realistic with the expectations we place on people and objects, and acknowledge that cars don't last forever, having a new dress won't make us happy forever, and people won't necessarily be available every time we want them to be. But just as we should realise good things don't last forever, we should realise that bad things don't last forever, either.

You have just learnt about The Four Noble Truths of Buddhism, which are the basics of Buddha's teachings:

1. The truth of suffering - Basically, there is suffering in life.
2. The truth of the cause of suffering - Suffering is caused by attachment.
3. The truth of the end of suffering - We can end suffering by letting go of attachments.
4. The truth of the path that frees us from suffering - This is the eightfold path. More on this tomorrow!

Choosing to be happy

Ever say anything like "you make me so angry", "that's going to annoy me", or even "I can't help the way I feel"?

That last one isn't entirely true, though we tend to assume it is.

The first one kind of sounds like you're blaming someone else for your unhappiness, and the second one sounds like you're planning on getting annoyed later!

But you can catch these thoughts, and question them, and just by doing that you're halfway to making that last sentence a complete myth - you can help the way you feel.

Next time you think or say "you make me angry", or any other negative emotion, stop yourself. It's as if you're allowing that person to make you feel bad, isn't it? Don't let them.

Next time you think or say "that's going to annoy me", remind yourself that you don't actually want to schedule annoyance and irritation into your day. Whatever the annoying thing is, it's not going to stick around forever, and it might not be as bad as you expect.

And when you say you can't help the way you feel, question it. Try to prove yourself wrong.

I'm not saying that you should never feel angry, or annoyed, or upset. It's okay to feel negative emotions. It's a problem if you get attached to them. More on that later. The main thing here is that you can choose to be happy. It's in your control, and you are the only person who can truly dictate your emotions. That's really how to be happy. You have to do it yourself.

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