Why you should cut your own hair

I cut my own hair last night.

I know, right?

I cut my own hair.

How utterly terrifying.

It was actually the most awesome thing I've done in a while. What happened was I was on Facebook thinking I hadn't changed my profile picture in a while, so I started looking at pictures to find a different one. And when I was looking at my old pics, I saw that in a lot of them I had this kind of side fringe-ish emo type thing going on. Basically, I didn't feel the need to see with my left eye. And I loved that look, but the hair just kind of grew out and the last time I asked for it again at the hairdresser's, they didn't really do it properly. So, looking through the pics reminded me how much I liked my hair like that.

I could have booked an appointment at the hairdresser's to get it cut, but I had a trim and my hair dip-dyed orange again just last weekend, so I didn't want to go back so soon. So I thought about how much better it would be if I could just do it myself, right away. And I went on YouTube and did a little research - about five or ten minutes' worth of research.

All the while when I was watching girls on YouTube demonstrate cutting their bangs, while fiddling with my hair and wandering between my laptop in the living room and the mirror in the bedroom, I was thinking to myself, "this is all very well and interesting, but you're obviously not going to do it. There's no way you're actually going to cut your own hair. You'll make a terrible mistake and regret it horribly. There's no way you're brave or stupid enough to do it.

But I went into the bathroom, got a pair of nail scissors and a comb, separated by fringe-to-be from the rest of my hair, and went in for the chop. My first thought was "oh my God, I've actually done it, what the fuck have I done? I can't undo that, what on earth has possessed me to do this?!" But there was no going back after that, so I carried on. And the more I did it, the more I got used to it and the more natural it felt, and the more I realised I wasn't completely messing it up.

I mean, it's not perfect, obviously, because I'm not a hairdresser and I don't make a habit of cutting hair! I did try once when I was about 12, I decided I wanted a bit at the front of my face that was shorter than the rest so it would frame my face when I put it in a ponytail. Naturally I cut it too short and felt really rubbish about it afterwards. The difference is, I'm not 12 now, and I actually tried to do it properly this time. And you know what? After the initial panic, it felt good. It felt really good. And it still does!

I didn't expect it to, but it feels very empowering to have cut my own hair; to make a change myself instead of having to wait for someone else to do it for me. I feel cool. And now I have my old hair back, I feel a bit more like myself. Not only does it feel empowering, but it feels so free to do something like that, that I never do but actually could do anytime I want. Plus, it felt good that I managed to achieve this thing without messing it up - something I found to be quite a challenge! It felt exciting to do something so crazy and then to be successful at it! And I can't wait until my mum sees, she is going to freak out! My partner, who was out of the house at the time so wasn't around to talk some sense into me, doesn't seem particularly surprised. Maybe this is becoming some kind of normal for me. The only question is, what exciting and interesting thing should I do next?

It's hard being truthful online

It's really strange being so honest on the internet, because I never know who knows what about me. I've never been so honest and open online before, but with this blog and my personal Tumblr, I just say whatever I feel like saying. My Tumblr is even more revealing than this blog, and it's a relief to be able to say whatever I want. On Tumblr, it's mostly strangers reading, because I never post any links to those posts on Facebook or anywhere else.

But with this blog, I do say a lot of stuff, and the only reason I really hold back a bit is because this is a blog that's supposed to be about happiness, and me dwelling on negative things kind of defeats the purpose unless it's to explain a point about being positive.

So when I do post on here, I normally post a link on my @how2behappyblog on Twitter, and on my own personal Facebook - not the how to be happy Facebook page because there's nobody there, but my own private Facebook page where all my friends and family are. (Though I do hide these kinds of posts from my family.) And it just makes it a bit weird because I reveal a lot about myself on the internet that you can't just drop into conversation face to face. It makes me wonder who reads these things and who knows what about me. Sometimes I'm talking to someone - either online or offline - and I'll be thinking "Do you know? Do you know all about who I am, what I've been through in the past, how I feel about some things? What do you think about it? Do you think of me differently now, and is that for better or worse? Or do you just not really think about it much at all?" And it's really weird, because... I dunno, it's just odd. I do like telling the truth online though. It makes me feel brave. It's easier than saying things out loud, though at times it's still kinda hard... but face to face if I try to say something, sometimes the words just won't come out. That's a strange experience as well isn't it? When you're so close to saying something but you just can't bring yourself to say the words. Fear. Or something.

I'm not asking anyone to tell me that they know (unless they really want to). It's just something that occurred to me. And I like people to know, because it makes me feel like people know me better. Because it's such a big part of me now, whether I like it or not.

I've just realised I've managed to write this entire blog post without saying what "it" is. But if anyone is reading and they've read the blog before, they'll probably know already.

How do you define yourself?

I have a list of words I use to define myself - sometimes consciously, sometimes more subconsciously. Here are a few that immediately spring to mind, though I'm sure there are others:

Writer
Geek
Cancer survivor
Rock chick
Buddhist

What are yours? I love most of these words because they are so very me and define what I am. They're all as important as each other and work together, and I think it's important to not dwell on any one in particular, especially one that has negative feelings attached. Because we can all define ourselves in negative ways, and when we get too wrapped up in the negative definitions, we should choose another one to focus on. That's why I've been writing a lot lately and listening to music more. To try to throw the focus off the negative.

What are your best and worst self-definitions?