Why you should cut your own hair

I cut my own hair last night.

I know, right?

I cut my own hair.

How utterly terrifying.

It was actually the most awesome thing I've done in a while. What happened was I was on Facebook thinking I hadn't changed my profile picture in a while, so I started looking at pictures to find a different one. And when I was looking at my old pics, I saw that in a lot of them I had this kind of side fringe-ish emo type thing going on. Basically, I didn't feel the need to see with my left eye. And I loved that look, but the hair just kind of grew out and the last time I asked for it again at the hairdresser's, they didn't really do it properly. So, looking through the pics reminded me how much I liked my hair like that.

I could have booked an appointment at the hairdresser's to get it cut, but I had a trim and my hair dip-dyed orange again just last weekend, so I didn't want to go back so soon. So I thought about how much better it would be if I could just do it myself, right away. And I went on YouTube and did a little research - about five or ten minutes' worth of research.

All the while when I was watching girls on YouTube demonstrate cutting their bangs, while fiddling with my hair and wandering between my laptop in the living room and the mirror in the bedroom, I was thinking to myself, "this is all very well and interesting, but you're obviously not going to do it. There's no way you're actually going to cut your own hair. You'll make a terrible mistake and regret it horribly. There's no way you're brave or stupid enough to do it.

But I went into the bathroom, got a pair of nail scissors and a comb, separated by fringe-to-be from the rest of my hair, and went in for the chop. My first thought was "oh my God, I've actually done it, what the fuck have I done? I can't undo that, what on earth has possessed me to do this?!" But there was no going back after that, so I carried on. And the more I did it, the more I got used to it and the more natural it felt, and the more I realised I wasn't completely messing it up.

I mean, it's not perfect, obviously, because I'm not a hairdresser and I don't make a habit of cutting hair! I did try once when I was about 12, I decided I wanted a bit at the front of my face that was shorter than the rest so it would frame my face when I put it in a ponytail. Naturally I cut it too short and felt really rubbish about it afterwards. The difference is, I'm not 12 now, and I actually tried to do it properly this time. And you know what? After the initial panic, it felt good. It felt really good. And it still does!

I didn't expect it to, but it feels very empowering to have cut my own hair; to make a change myself instead of having to wait for someone else to do it for me. I feel cool. And now I have my old hair back, I feel a bit more like myself. Not only does it feel empowering, but it feels so free to do something like that, that I never do but actually could do anytime I want. Plus, it felt good that I managed to achieve this thing without messing it up - something I found to be quite a challenge! It felt exciting to do something so crazy and then to be successful at it! And I can't wait until my mum sees, she is going to freak out! My partner, who was out of the house at the time so wasn't around to talk some sense into me, doesn't seem particularly surprised. Maybe this is becoming some kind of normal for me. The only question is, what exciting and interesting thing should I do next?

It's hard being truthful online

It's really strange being so honest on the internet, because I never know who knows what about me. I've never been so honest and open online before, but with this blog and my personal Tumblr, I just say whatever I feel like saying. My Tumblr is even more revealing than this blog, and it's a relief to be able to say whatever I want. On Tumblr, it's mostly strangers reading, because I never post any links to those posts on Facebook or anywhere else.

But with this blog, I do say a lot of stuff, and the only reason I really hold back a bit is because this is a blog that's supposed to be about happiness, and me dwelling on negative things kind of defeats the purpose unless it's to explain a point about being positive.

So when I do post on here, I normally post a link on my @how2behappyblog on Twitter, and on my own personal Facebook - not the how to be happy Facebook page because there's nobody there, but my own private Facebook page where all my friends and family are. (Though I do hide these kinds of posts from my family.) And it just makes it a bit weird because I reveal a lot about myself on the internet that you can't just drop into conversation face to face. It makes me wonder who reads these things and who knows what about me. Sometimes I'm talking to someone - either online or offline - and I'll be thinking "Do you know? Do you know all about who I am, what I've been through in the past, how I feel about some things? What do you think about it? Do you think of me differently now, and is that for better or worse? Or do you just not really think about it much at all?" And it's really weird, because... I dunno, it's just odd. I do like telling the truth online though. It makes me feel brave. It's easier than saying things out loud, though at times it's still kinda hard... but face to face if I try to say something, sometimes the words just won't come out. That's a strange experience as well isn't it? When you're so close to saying something but you just can't bring yourself to say the words. Fear. Or something.

I'm not asking anyone to tell me that they know (unless they really want to). It's just something that occurred to me. And I like people to know, because it makes me feel like people know me better. Because it's such a big part of me now, whether I like it or not.

I've just realised I've managed to write this entire blog post without saying what "it" is. But if anyone is reading and they've read the blog before, they'll probably know already.

How do you define yourself?

I have a list of words I use to define myself - sometimes consciously, sometimes more subconsciously. Here are a few that immediately spring to mind, though I'm sure there are others:

Writer
Geek
Cancer survivor
Rock chick
Buddhist

What are yours? I love most of these words because they are so very me and define what I am. They're all as important as each other and work together, and I think it's important to not dwell on any one in particular, especially one that has negative feelings attached. Because we can all define ourselves in negative ways, and when we get too wrapped up in the negative definitions, we should choose another one to focus on. That's why I've been writing a lot lately and listening to music more. To try to throw the focus off the negative.

What are your best and worst self-definitions?

How strange is human society?

Another blog about a thought I had in the spa at the gym this morning, and I'm once again struggling to remember exactly how I worded it because I couldn't write it down at the time. But here we go: isn't it weird the way society is? I mean, you don't see animals doing the stuff humans do. And worrying. Why on earth do we worry so much or stop ourselves from doing things because of the so-called rules that society dictates?

Like holding back a burp or a fart, or shaving our legs, or deciding to not wear a certain item of clothing because the other humans will think it doesn't look good on us. Who cares? Talk to me about something that matters. Let's worry about world peace, putting an end to homophobia, whether or not we're able to pay the bills or feed our families or explore more corners of our beautiful world. Why be concerned about getting a close shave under your armpits when you can be spending time planning your next trip? Why bother about what your body looks like at a club when you could be swept away by music instead?

It's not easy, I know. The other day I got upset because my belly was looking a bit bigger than usual, and I stepped on the scales and found I'd put on about three pounds. So I went about having my shower and then sat on my bed in my towel and racked my brain trying to figure out why it upset me and why on earth it should matter so much. It's not like I'm overweight, or that there aren't parts of my body I like, so why should my belly sticking out a bit matter at all? I couldn't come up with an answer, but it certainly did feel like it mattered. It still does. (I like wearing tight dresses because I think my booty looks awesome in them, but of course they're tight at the front too, so they don't look so good. It's partly because I had my bowel removed so the bottom part of my belly is completely flat and the bit above it then sticks out even more, but there's only so much I can blame on cancer - my belly looking big is mostly just me eating too much crap.)

I digress. My main point is, why is it weird or bad to do things that are completely normal and natural for mammals/human beings to do? I burp, I poop loudly (can't help that!), I fart (only in the toilet), sometimes I don't bother shaving my legs or armpits (more warmth in winter, right...?), I wear clothes that highlight my bad bits as well as my good bits, I wear baggy clothes that do nothing for me because they're comfortable or have my favourite bands on them, I care very little about what other people think about what I look like or what I do. There isn't enough time or energy in life to conform to every "rule" dictated by society, and it sometimes baffles me how normal it is for people to not do something they want to do or to do something they don't want to do just for the sake of conforming or not looking bad. Let me look bad. I'll still be happy, because I'll be doing what I want, and being how I want to be. Next time you're wondering what people think or what's "right" within society for you to do, ask yourself why you're worrying and say does it even matter?

My tiny Heisenbergs

The other day I wrote a blog entry about being excited about buying stuff because the people who work at the place make it exciting (Getting customers excited). I mentioned that I was excited about getting my nails done, so here's the finished product!

Aren't they awesome? They were done by Tina at All Things Nails in Wellingborough, and she probably took a much better photo than I have, so there might be one appearing on the All Things Nails Facebook page. Love my Breaking Bad nails!

I'm on YouTube! ...Sort of.

This is what made me happy this week:



I'm on YouTube! Apart from not feeling too happy about my face or the sound of my voice (ick), it's quite nice to be a little bit involved in something cool, and this is a pretty good channel - if you're interested in learning Swedish even a little bit, it's a good way to pick up some random words.

Self expression

You know what makes me happy? Self expression. I love expressing who I am, and expressing who I am is an important part of who I am, if that makes sense! I can't imagine being any way other than myself, and I love to feel so completely like myself the way I do when I dress or make myself up to show my true self.

For me, it's band t-shirts, black nail polish, and if I'm going out in the evening and/or don't mind looking like a panda the next day when I realise I don't have make up remover to hand, it's eyeliner/mascara as well. And baggy jeans, and my Slipknot wristband, and most recently, dip-dyed dark red hair. Which is what really brought this blog post on - I had dip dyed ginger hair before which I loved, but when it started to fade I decided to change it up a bit and the result suits my image so much, I'm really happy with it.

Isn't it great when you feel so much like yourself and confident about it as well?

Returning from holiday

I'm back from holiday! We had a very nice time in Porto Santo doing not very much at all. It is quite nice to be home, though - I think whether you want to go somewhere new and unfamiliar or if you want to stay at home and appreciate the familiar, you should go away for a few days, because a vacation gives you something new to see and then you appreciate home and the familiar more when you get back. Win-win!

Though when I did come back I came home to a letter offering me an appointment with a consultant in London, so... not a brilliant welcome. I'm trying not to think about it, but it's things like that that make peace of mind seem more unattainable.

The wonders of travelling!

The blog will take a short haitus as I go off on holiday for a week!

I'm off to (hopefully) sunny Porto Santo, which is a really small island just north of Madeira in Portugal. It's just 16 square miles with 9km of beach, and it's apparently really peaceful and untouched. We've never been there before, so we're hoping it's going to be as nice as it looks in the pictures!

Stay tuned for a few pics when I get back and normal blogging resumes. In the meantime if you have any thoughts on any of my previous posts, please do comment as it's nice to know that people are reading! See you soon!

What was it again...?

I thought of a blog post to write while I was at the gym. Unfortunately, I've now forgotten it. But I do remember thinking afterwards that there was another reason I liked to go to the gym, that I had forgotten about - for the inspiration! I'd forgotten how much good it does just being in a different place and having time to just ponder things and do not very much at all. Hopefully later I'll actually remember whatever it was I was going to write...

What made me happy today

I got a text message today from the gym I used to go to, saying I can rejoin and get next month half price. So I did it. And the thought of going back there, having a "happy place" to go to to get away from everything, and a way to get some exercise and get rid of my little bit of flab has made me so excited, and I didn't even realise it would! I suppose the lesson for today is to do something you're thinking about doing because it might make you even happier than you expect it to. Yay!

How easy is it to let go, really?

I think the hardest part is the realisation that you need to let go.

I didn't post a blog yesterday! It's the first day I've missed since I started blogging here in February. I was actually too distracted by relaxing to remember to write something. So if anyone is reading who is used to me posting something every day, my apologies!

But back to my original subject - I made a realisation today. I want to let go. I don't want to be the girl who can't forget. I don't want anything to take over my life while I'm trying to get on with it. I don't even want to be an advocate for cancer-related subjects - bowel cancer, counselling, talking about what life is like when you're trying to get over it. I just want to do the latter for myself.

So I need to do a bit of a cleanse, for starters. I'd already decided to unfollow anyone on Facebook who regularly posts pointless pictures about cancer - by pointless I mean not the charity ones asking for donations, but the "share this if you thin cancer sucks" type things. Obviously we all do. I can't be doing with the reminders anymore, it's going to drive me fucking crazy. So there's that. No reminders on Facebook, no trying to do any kind of fundraising events (tried that twice, my brain didn't appreciate it. I'm not against trying to make money for charity, obviously.) Enough.

And then what? It's all very well saying you want to get over something and forget about it, but how do you actually go about it? Try to cram life full of other stuff? Change negative thoughts into positive thoughts? Be mindful? Probably all of the above and more besides. It ain't easy stuff, but what is?