How do you define yourself?

I have a list of words I use to define myself - sometimes consciously, sometimes more subconsciously. Here are a few that immediately spring to mind, though I'm sure there are others:

Writer
Geek
Cancer survivor
Rock chick
Buddhist

What are yours? I love most of these words because they are so very me and define what I am. They're all as important as each other and work together, and I think it's important to not dwell on any one in particular, especially one that has negative feelings attached. Because we can all define ourselves in negative ways, and when we get too wrapped up in the negative definitions, we should choose another one to focus on. That's why I've been writing a lot lately and listening to music more. To try to throw the focus off the negative.

What are your best and worst self-definitions?

Increase your happy to unhappy ratio

Try this:
For every negative thing you think, say or do, you have to think, say or do two positive things.

Soon you'll have no time for negative thoughts, words or actions because you'll be too busy trying to make up for them by cramming in loads of positive stuff!

The positive physical effects of being pro-active

I've had an achy back and neck for a little while so today I went for a massage. I was thinking on the drive over that my back was feeling better today (apparently it was still full of knots though!), and isn't that so often the way? Like when you go to the doctors for something you've had for a little while, and on the day you go sometimes you feel better, and almost wonder if you should still be bothering to go.

I wonder if it's the thought of doing something to help the discomfort, that makes you feel better physically? We know the mind can have an effect on the body (hence needing a massage in the first place for stress-related back pain), so maybe it can also have a positive effect - when you decide you're going to do something to make yourself feel better, you start to feel better already. Just a theory I find interesting - have you had any similar experiences?

Everything will be fine... or at least, not too bad

Ever notice that most of the things you worry about don't end up being as bad as you expect them to be?

When I was a teenager I remember being worried about a presentation I had to do at school. When I spoke to my dad about it, he said not to worry, that most of those things aren't half as bad as you think they're going to be, and half the time they end up not happening anyway.

When he said that, I thought back to a play my friends and I were meant to be doing in Music class. I didn't want to perform to the whole class! Luckily, the teacher had postponed it from the day we were supposed to do it, and she said we would do it the week after. What she didn't realise was that the following week we weren't going to be in school, due to a bank holiday, teacher training day, or something similar. Naturally, I kept my mouth shut about that minor detail, and because it was the end of the school year, we never had to do the play. So when my dad mentioned how these things aren't that bad, I remembered the play that wasn't, and felt more optimistic.

I can't remember if I ended up having to give that particular presentation, which I suppose is another lesson in itself - even the things we don't like don't last forever and end up getting forgotten about. I can't even remember what class the presentation was going to be for.

Stop adding amendments to positive thoughts

Sometimes I worry about my health, because things have gone pretty wrong in the past, and I'm scared of them going wrong again. But I seem to do this thing that probably isn't very good - when I think or hear a positive thought about it, I add a caveat on the end that makes it more negative. Not because I want to, but because I'm afraid of being wrong.

So when my partner reassures me by saying "But you're okay now, everything is fine!" my brain adds something on the end of his sentence - "at the moment", "for now", or even scarier, "as far as we know".

We've looked before at how we have control over our own happiness, and this starts with the way think. When you think of a positive thought or someone says something positive, don't add anything to it that diminishes the positivity or hope it conveys. Just let the thought stand and be what it is.

Don't make room for negative thinking

I'm a little late writing my blog post tonight because I needed to find a good picture of myself for something, so I was looking for one on my computer. I couldn't find much appropriate (pictures of me with clown make-up on aren't considered very professional, right?) so I had a look on Facebook at the pictures I've been tagged in.

Cue a good long while of flipping though pictures from four or more years ago, a bit of wistfulness, and much repetition of the question "what the hell happened to us all?"

I know we're meant to be mindful and not dwell on the past, but I can't help thinking what if the best time of our lives has already been and gone? What if being a late teen/early twenties girl was the best it was ever going to get and nothing will feel as happy, as good and as carefree?

Which I know is silly - of course there will be other amazing times. And I know we're not supposed to dwell on the past, but there's something nice about reminiscing. I think it's just a case of being mindful of your thoughts and not providing space in your head for the negative ones. Maybe if your brain is so full of positive thoughts, there won't be room for anything else.

Accept and enjoy things as they are

On Friday I was sitting at my desk at work and it was a really nice day. The office was warm so the window was open and a light breeze was blowing through the room, the sun casting its rays across the row of tables. Add to that the birds tweeting outside and you have a really lovely afternoon.

In this scenario, a person could wish they were at home and able to enjoy doing whatever they wanted in the sunshine instead of having to work.

That's not how to be happy.

Enjoying the sunshine, the warmth and the birds simply makes a working day better. Having something nice shouldn't make you unhappy because you can't enjoy it quite to its maximum, especially when there will be other times when you can enjoy it! It should make you happy to have it at all.

This is just one example of being happy with what you have, rather than wishing for more or for things to be different. So stop saying "if only", and be more accepting of the way things are. You'll find more reasons to be happy than ever before.

It's okay to hope

In 2010 I had a conversation online with someone, about where to get my first tattoo done. After this guy had given me the advice I had asked for, I mentioned that I wasn't going to get my tattoo done yet as I was due to go into hospital and didn't want to have to look after it while I was in there. He said he hoped I wasn't going in for anything serious. I said no, it's nothing serious. I was wrong.

I don't want to be wrong again.

Sometimes that stops me from saying things. The other day I was texting my boyfriend and we were talking about the holidays we have planned. I text him saying it's going to be a good year. And as soon as I sent it, I regretted it. Because what if that's not true? What if it's going to be a bad year? I didn't want to tempt the universe to prove me wrong. Which I know is silly. Because it's okay to be hopeful, right? I was listening to Better Open The Door by Motion City Soundtrack the other day, and it goes:

"And it's all uphill from here, at least I hope so."

And that reminded me that it's okay to hope that things are going to turn out well. Sometimes that's all we have.

Bad news is good news

Is it a good thing that there is bad news on the TV news?

Because if there was good news on the news all the time, that would make it news, as if bad things happening were the norm. But good things happen all the time, and that's why they aren't news.

So you could possibly argue that it is good that bad things are on the news, because it makes them less usual events worth reporting. (I say less usual because yeah, I know, a lot of bad stuff happens.)

Yes, it's a simplistic idea, but it occurred to me to make some sort of sense, so I wrote it down. Took me two tries to write it in a way that wasn't completely nonsensical, but still. It's just an "at least..." kind of thought - at least terrible things aren't the norm, otherwise it would be good stuff that would be reporting on and considered "news".

The word news looks really weird to me now.

Being grateful dreams aren't real!

I had a nightmare last night. I don't know if this is normal because it feels like a kind of childish thing to say, but I had a nightmare, and it didn't make any sense as they so rarely do, but it was about some sort of ghost or paranormal presence, something about cars being able to drive without wheels and wheels moving by themselves... like I said, it didn't make any sense, but it was one of those dreams I have sometimes that just feels really creepy and scary, you know? Like watching a scary movie or something. (See my scared face below!)

Anyway, I woke up in the middle of the night and my first blurry, semi-logical thought was that I was back in the real world and that dreams aren't real, and thank goodness they aren't because that wasn't a very nice one. So even though it was a crappy dream, I woke up feeling safe, and sort of happy in a way (but still a bit creeped out) and just generally grateful that whatever creepy thing I was dreaming about isn't real. Phew!

Don't know where to look?

Often people say that to be happy and content you shouldn't dwell on the past or worry about the future, but instead concentrate on right now. Which I'd probably agree with - as I've said in a previous post, sometimes if you're about to encounter a stressful situation it can be good to remind yourself that right at that present moment you aren't encountering immediate stress or pain.

But it's nice to think about the past. If it's happy stuff you're remembering, it's fun to reminisce, especially with other people who remember too. And sometimes maybe it's even good to think about the bad stuff that happened because it means you can be grateful that things are better now, and have some perspective. And of course, you need to plan some stuff for the future occasionally, and it's fun to think about the possibilities the future can bring.

I suppose the key is just to not dwell on things, to maybe look back or forwards, but don't look for too long. Make sure you're not looking back for so long that you forget to keep an eye on the present, otherwise it'll just pass by and you'll miss it all.

Maybe it's just okay to look anywhere, as long as the view makes you smile.